Every time I hear the words come out of my mouth, it’s like I don’t even have to finish the sentence “I guess I had an expectation….”. The truth is, most times, your partner doesn’t realize that you have set this expectation up in your mind. And then you start to fester and start building a resentment and before you know it, you don’t even know why you’re arguing. Let’s break down why expectations cause friction in your relationship.
Now, I’m not saying that you should set your expectations low in regards to how your partner should treat you. Let’s get that very clear. I believe that you should have pretty high standards in that regard.
What I am talking about is the expectations we set in specific situations. Now ladies, I’m going to speak directly to you for a minute.
Your man says let me take you out on a date – AWESOME!
He adds in that it’s going to be a surprise – Even better!
You start conjuring up what the date looks like, how romantic it will be, he opens the door for you, what he will say, what you will wear, etc. So right there, you can see that you’re setting up an expectation.
Friday night rolls around, he’s 20 minutes late. I mean, that’s 20 minutes longer that you don’t have your flower, right? He shows up, and not only are there no flowers, but it already doesn’t feel half as romantic as you thought (expected) it to be.
From that point on, you just seem to focus on everything wrong that is happening instead of focusing on the actual time you guys are spending together. Not to mention, he ends up bringing you to a basketball game – SO ROMANTIC! Your romantic, candlelight dinner is now a slice of pizza, some nachos with what might possibly be cheese and your wine is now being consumed from a plastic cup.
You can see how different these two scenarios are.
At this moment, you have a choice. You can choose to see that your partner did something nice that he thought the both of you would enjoy together.
You can choose to focus on the negative and start presuming all the negative thoughts, like:
“He doesn’t know me”
“Does he actually think this is romantic”
“He’s so selfish, this is all for him”
“I would never do this, I would make him feel special”
If we back up the train to the original statement, he actually never said anything about romantic or what it was going to be. You just immediately assumed that it would be romantic and therefore from that you set an expectation. You see, your partner is not a mind reader. And you can set them up for failure with expectations and never really feel fulfilled or satisfied. You see, men and women are very different.
A guy’s perception and mind is very direct. So they say date, they bring you out, and they feel like they have achieved something! On the other hand, women like to think of all angles. I would do this, then I would do that, then I would say this… So how do you fix this?
With one simple little word – ACCEPTANCE! Acceptance is the answer to all of your issues. You cannot control an outcome, so instead, accept the form that it comes your way.
Don’t try to control how your partner should love you, if he is excited about something, accept that this is his way.
What if you find yourself in the situation where you feel like you were let down? It’s simple, have a conversation.
You can thank them for a wonderful evening but explain where your mind went, that way, you can take ownership for your distant energy and work on it together. So now you can see why expectations cause friction in your relationship.